mourning and dancing

“Because of Christ, life comes from death.

Because of Christ, we will dance again”

I have never really taken the time or had the thought to sit down and write out my journey to being a mama, until now. maybe one day, someone out there will read this and find comfort and know they are not alone. maybe I am just writing this for myself, reliving this pain is hard. it reminds me of the hours, days, weeks that i cried. i cried out in pain, in confusion, in anger, in brokenness, in insufficiency.  this was some of the greatest joy, followed by the deepest pain i had ever felt. as these hot summer days melt into the cool breeze of fall i can’t help but feel sad. our baby would have been one in late october/early november. 

hearing the words that the baby was gone was almost an out of body experience. i felt like i was watching a movie, or reading the words of another mama to be who was walking this road. my mama never had a miscarriage or lost a baby so i always thought that i would never have to endure that burden either. the emotions of loss have never been more real to me than in that doctors office. we had begun planning and i had began dreaming. dreaming of those little baby kicks, of the nursery and most of all what our little baby would be like. 

the days following the news were dark days, i remained a little hopeful that i could still carry a little baby. but as the months passed and the negative tests were pilling up that hope was fading. the self doubt and the feeling that i was an inadequate wife, and woman became strong. we tried medicine and other things short of IVF until i felt so empty that i had to walk away despite the feeling that a part of me was dying. the doctors visits and the medicine and the schedules became so consuming that i feel like i lost that part of my life and i didn’t get to enjoy those days with my husband and family. 

i still have no baby in my belly... those words are hard to write and hard to come to terms with somedays, but it is the reality of today. what has gotten me through each negative that appears on that little stick is that God has a plan. he knows what tomorrow holds, he knows the right moment to place a baby in my womb. that doesn’t mean that i still don't cry a little each time the result appears that i am not pregnant, but i have to remember i serve a larger purpose. 

it seems like everyday, someone that i know is either giving birth or announcing that they are expecting. and i am genuinely happy for each of them, but my mama heart does break a little each time. i have learned that i ok to be sad, it is ok to mourn. but its not ok to spend each day completely consumed by the past. it is not ok to question my self worth, because my self worth isn't found in two pink lines, or in the title of mama. instead it is found in God. in being His child, serving His purpose and following His direction. 

Lord willing, I will dance again with joy over a positive pregnancy test. Lord willing, I will one day be a mama. but until then I will live each day in His footsteps. bettering myself and my soul. preparing for what lies ahead. and above all remembering that He will not give us more than we can handle. He knows how strong we are. He may push us out of our comfort zone, but He will always make a way. a way in the darkness when we think all hope is lost. as Ecclesiastes 3 says, there is a time to be born and a time to die. - the Lord knows the exact perfect timing to bring a baby into your life. 

If you are a hoping to be mama out there, breathe. give yourself a rest and know that He is in control. if you had already gotten pregnant and had a baby, then you wouldn’t have your future baby. you wouldn’t have that bundle of joy. that unique person. how amazing is that to think about. God has your baby already in his hands, and he doesn’t want you to have anything less than the best. 

“I assure you: You will weep and wail, but the world will rejoice.
You will become sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to joy.” //John 16:20

rest in the Lord and he will give you strength. 

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